Seven Stages of Healing.

When I hear the word “grief” my mind starts thinking about losing a loved one. I think about someone losing all they have because of a natural disaster ripping their world apart or a single mom losing her job and not having the means to support her family. Luckily, I have never had to experience anything close to something so tragic, but I have come to know grief very well. I haven’t lost a parent in the dying sense but I did lose both my biological parents, as in they are not present in my life anymore. I was seven years old when I first went through the seven stages of grief. I was seventeen when I began the grieving process all over again. We all deal with things differently when something terrible happens; but I think often times the road to healing has the “same” beginning and the “same” end result. Instead of going through the seven stages of grieving according to someone else I am going to share what I believe are the seven stages of healing.

Step one- Shock and Denial: My mother chose to remove herself from my life when I was seven years old and even at seven I was in shock and major denial. She often shared with us the idea of signing over her parental rights but I never actually believed she would do it. Even when I found out she did exactly that, I still didn’t believe it. Little Pamela kept telling herself, “Momma will come back.” I told myself that for years. When my father pushed me to remove myself from his life I, again, was in shock and denying the whole thing happened. Obviously, I knew what was going on but I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to think that even though things were different they would still be the same.

Step two- Pain and Guilt: Eventually the denial wears off and the shock goes away. All of sudden pretending things are still the same becomes impossible to do. Reality sets in. I often thought about the things I should have done, things I shouldn’t have done, things I should have said, and things I wished I had never said. With guilt comes hurt and pain. I hurt because maybe if I had not said “I hate you” there would be a completely different outcome. I hurt because I felt like everything that had went wrong was on my shoulders.

Step three- Anger and Bargaining: Anger became the only emotion I felt for a long time. I was not only mad at the people who hurt me I was mad at everyone. I was angry with people who hadn’t did a thing to me. I lashed out on the people who were here for me, loving me unconditionally, because I couldn’t take it out on the ones I was really angry with. My anger almost cost me a very valuable relationship with the only person who has been here holding my hand through all of this.

Step four- Depression, Reflection, Loneliness: Just when I thought I was getting my life back together, here comes the pity party. I felt like I was no good for anyone and I couldn’t do anything and I would never be anything. I got depressed because I started looking behind me instead of ahead of me. I was reflecting on what once was and I stopped looking at what I have now. I became lonely even though I was surrounded with love and people. I had gotten to the middle of the mountain and I didn’t have the will to climb the rest of the way up, I only wanted to walk the easy steps back down.

Step five- The Upward Turn: I began the upward turn when I finally stopped looking behind me and looked at what was right in front of me. I was such an idiot to not just open my eyes and look around. I am surrounded by love and I know it. Why couldn’t I have just seen that from the beginning?

Step six- Reconstruction and Working Through: When you finally get through all the sickening emotions you can finally start seeing things clearly. Once I realized I am loved and I have a great thing were I am at, I was able to think about what I needed to do to get rid of the baggage. I literally woke up one morning and said, “I can’t do this anymore. I can not let someone else live my life for me.” Although I had been told all along that I was the only one being hurt by all of this I never saw that until I figured it out for myself. I had finally had my Aha! Moment.

Step seven- Acceptance and Hope: This is the stage I am in now. I have to accept the fact that I can’t change people or the decisions they make. I have accepted the fact that if someone can’t love me for who I am than they don’t need to be a part of my life, birth parents or not. I have learned that even though I made mistakes I didn’t cause my parents to walk out of my life and I will not fight for them to be around if they don’t want to be. I have also came to the conclusion that if they ever do come around I will not be here. I will not allow myself to have to go through these seven stages because of them again. I had hope before I went through all this and I have hope again. I have dreams as big as the sky and I won’t ever stop believing in myself. I know exactly what I am capable of and nothing can stop me.

This is how I dealt with what I like to call, the “Seven Stages of Healing.” Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad. Anyone can be a mother but it takes someone special to be a mom. I found that special someone before I went through all of this and she has stuck with me during the whole process. I call this person Mom because she is shown me what a mother’s love is, come to think of it she has taken my father’s place and gave me “his” love too. Grieving is no longer an option for me because I am loved. My life may not have went the way I would have thought but that is because there was an unknowingly better life waiting for me. My eyes are finally wide open and my heart is full.

Your Best Shot.

Faith is the belief in something we can not see,
Close to nothing is what I thought I would be.
I’ve proved to people who didn’t believe in me I can change,
My dreams, hopes, and goals have all been rearranged.
More often than not things don’t go the way we think they should,
Too many times things happen we never thought would.
We hear people say life is what you make it,
What happens when what we want doesn’t exactly fit?
Rarely things go the way we have planned,
We just have to work with what we have at hand.
Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies,
We have to be able to see through the storytelling and lies.
Scars.. We all have them to bear,
Inward or outward.. It doesn’t matter where.
Everything happens for a reason that I choose to believe,
We take the good with the bad and move on if we want our goals to be achieved.
Sometimes we have to go against what our parents taught,
It’s refreshing to know all the wrongs in life aren’t our fault.
We should only live for today because it’s all we’ve got,
After all, we only have this one shot.
We shouldn’t focus on yesterday or what may happen tomorrow,
Because yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn’t promised, and today is time God let us borrow.
Don’t ever take anything for granted because it can be gone in the blink of an eye,
Leaving behind unanswered questions like how and why?
Every single day I will strive to be happy no matter how hard it may get,
I know if I am determined I can do it.
Don’t ever let someone tell you you can not,
Get mad, stay driven, and give this life your best shot.

Life Lessons.

Here are a few of the lessons I have learned in 18 short years of life... you may find they are lessons most grown ups haven't even figured out for themselves but I didn't get to have the life of most teenagers. Instead of being bitter about this life God gave me I choose to thank Him.. because without this life.. who knows where I'd be or if I'd ever learn these valuable things at all...?



Forgiveness is a must:
Throughout our lifetime we will be hurt by many people. Some things people do won't affect us as much as others. No matter how great the pain is we have suffered from the person who hurt us.. we have to forgive. I know it is hard. I have been hurt by the people closest to me in life but I have let go. Not forgiving someone causes anger, anamosity, and sadness in OUR lives... not theirs. Holding a grudge doesn't hurt them it hurts us. So forgive.. let go.. and let God! "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." -Matthew 18:21-22


You can not straddle the fence:
Either you are for God or you are for the world. You can't be both. If you try to be for God but live as the world lives you will be unhappy and it will never work. You will find that your relationship with God starts slipping through the cracks. Make a decision.. but make sure it's one you won't regret. "Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world."-Titus 2:12

People will walk in out of your life but God never will:
Everyday we see people come in and out of our lives. Some of them we will remember.. either for the bad memories or the good. Some of them we simply won't remember at all. Let me just tell you one person we let in our lives will be here FOREVER. Rather we try to avoid Him or not; He is here to stay. That is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."-Deuteronomy 31:6


The past is the past and does not define us:
People like to bring up our past and throw it in our faces. As if we don't know ourselves what mistakes we have made. There is absolutely nothing we can do to change yesterday or even five minutes ago. It is gone. There is no time machine to take us back and let us undo the things we regret. We just have to accept it and move on. Learn from our mistakes and be better people. If God can let go our past and not even remember it.. then why can't we? "I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins."-Isaiah 43:25


My life doesn't actually belong to me:
I may think that my life is mine to live, but friends, I am wrong. My parents may think my life belongs to them until I turn eighteen, but friends, they are wrong. My teachers may think my life belongs to them the few hours I am at school, but friends, again; they are wrong. I didn't create myself, my parents concieved me not created me, and my teachers teach me. My life belongs to the creator of the Heaven and the Earth, the creator of Adam and Eve, and all the is good in the world. My life belongs to God. "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."-Genesis 1:27


Dream as big as the sky because anything is possible:
All the time we hear people tell us, "You can't do that" or "You can never become that." Let me ask you, do they have a crystal ball or the Book of Life at home? We don't know what our future holds anymore then the next person. God is the only person who has our whole lives planned out for us. We can dream to be the next president, noble peace prize winner, or next man on the moon. It may never happen but if you don't have dreams and you listen to someone say you can't do it or you won't do it... it will never happen. And just remember, "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."-Matthew 19:26


Of course, I have learned so many more life lessons then just listed here. But to me, these are the most valuable. These are the ones people struggle with everyday. I have learned I am a strong, smart, independent, capable, loving, caring, God-fearing young woman. I can achieve anything I set my mind to and I think that's just what I'll do.

Suicide.

This is quite a topic. It's something that isn't particularly easy for me to talk about. I have attempted suicide, which was a learned behavior by someone close to me. An uncle of mine, whom I have never met, recently killed himself. What causes someone to want to kill themselves? How can life be that bad? Where do they go when they die?

People attempt suicide for many reasons. Common reasons for teenagers are bullying, death in the family, or losing a girlfriend/boyfriend. We can probably all think of someone who has killed themselves for one reason or another. It's tragic. How could someone let a person, thing, or event get to them so bad that they thought death was their only way out. It's easy really. Life can be going great one minute and the next thing you know you feel like your world is crashing down around you. It's easy for someone who has never been in this situation to tell you to just "pull yourself up by your boot straps." But, it certainly isn't that easy. I have made a lot of mistakes in just 17 years of life and it seemed like erasing my existence would make people forget. I was wrong. Committing suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do. You make a God decision to end your life and leave behind people who care about you. At that time you probably feel as if no one cares, but I guarantee you AT LEAST one person involved in your life is concerned about rather you are dead or alive. God gave you this life.. He should be the only person deciding when you get to leave it behind. I have been in 2 different psychiatric hospitals for a weeks time. I can say though, I may have learned some coping techniques but I don't think it was the hospitals that saved me from myself. I think realizing that people do care, there are situations in the world more difficult then mine, and finding God helped me do a complete 180. I'll be first to admit I am far from perfect.. I still sometimes think about life without me in it, then I realize quitting and giving up isn't an option. I have nephews and nieces I have to be aunt and a role model to, I have a little brother who deserves to have his big sister around, I'm a daughter who wants her daddy to walk her down the aisle, and I am so much more.
Remember, someone does care! Your time to go is not your decision. Think about who you are to someone else and not just who you think you are.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
-Phil Donahue