Hey! Big mouth.

It is no secret that I am beginning a new chapter in my life, and anyone who has ended one chapter and begun another one knows that it is no easy task, especially when you are writing in ink with little room for error. I don't get to go back and erase and start over, not this time, because this chapter is different. This one is about me and God, it's about me getting things right, being an example to others, and finding my purpose in life, mainly, it's about me reaching my full Godly potential.


Well once again, God put me exactly where I needed to be, exactly when I needed to be there. I was lucky enough to be able to attend a Joyce Meyer conference last night and it wasn't irony that her message was all about our mouth. I have a really big mouth. I very rarely think before I speak and I say things that offend people without even realizing it. Although I hate to admit it, I have been known to say wonderful things about God and in the very next breath say things out of frustration that shouldn't be said. I have never really thought about how much our words mean until last night. Think about it: sometimes we say things out of anger and we can apologize but the words are never forgotten, we can say sweet things to people we care about and those words will be remembered forever, we can give advice to someone who desperately needs it and just those words could make the difference of a lifetime. I have said things that I know I shouldn't say and right after I say it I think, "you dummy, why did you just say that?!" After I say something incredibly stupid, I can feel God pull away from me just a little bit but it's enough for me to know He is disappointed in me.


Joyce Meyer asked the question, "How many messes have you made in your life just by your mouth?" That really got me thinking. How many times I have made a promise but broken it causing people to lose their trust in me? How many times have I told a lie to my parents causing them to not trust me? How many times have I messed things up in my life just by talking? The answer to that question is too many times and too many messes. It also got me thinking what if I hadn't made those messes, where would I be today? It was my mouth that got me kicked out of my parents house at 17.. What if I had kept my big mouth shut, would I still be living there? Of course, I can't live in the past and keep asking what if, but an important lesson can be taken from this. I can pray for God to help me think before I speak, I can pray that He can give me the words to say and help me refrain from saying the words I shouldn't, and just maybe I can stop making such huge messes out my life. Maybe then, I won't have to wonder what if I hadn't had said that, or wonder if I have messed up one of God's little plans leading up to His big plan for my life.

"No regrets, not this time.. I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind."

Lately I have been feeling empty. Empty and broken. I am alive but I am not living. I have realized that I am four months away from being twenty years old and I have absolutely nothing to show for the past twenty years of my existence. I have come to find that life passes by way too quickly. The most important thing I have learned lately is that if I don't take control of my life right now and search for my purpose, I will always feel this sense of emptiness and brokenness, and I will always be lost searching for something. This isn't the first time I have felt this way and the cure is simple, I just never stick with it so I can fully heal. You see, I am a people pleaser. I am one of those people who care entirely too much about what others think about me and I want to be loved and accepted by absolutely everyone. I don't stop to think about the consequences that come along with "people pleasing." Trying to please everyone around me has caused me to lose myself completely. I have to stop and question who I really am, who I want to be, and what I am here for. Well, I think it is time I take my identity back and reclaim who it is I want to be.

This is who I am:
I am someone who has seen more than my fair share of dark days, but I have never let that define who I am as a person. I am someone who likes to set goals but has a very hard time following through with any of them. I do not forgive easily and struggle with letting go of the past. I am a girl who should definitely still not be alive today, but I am and I feel like God has something HUGE in store for my life. I am someone who loves God with everything in me, BUT I do not attend church or read my Bible the way I should.
                     


                             WILL
This is who I want be:
I will be someone who has more than her fair share of dark days, but I will continue to never let that define who I am. I will be someone who sets goals and follows through with them. I will pray for the ability to forgive and to let go of the past. I am a girl who will figure out what God's purpose is for my life and I will do everything I possibly can to serve that purpose. I will continue to love God with everything in me, AND I will attend church and read my Bible the way I should.


Empty and broken is not going to be my future. I know what the cure is and this time I am not letting it go.  Life is too short to continue going backwards or not moving at all. "NO REGRETS, NOT THIS TIME... I"M GONNA LET MY HEART DEFEAT MY MIND."